Sunday, 21 August 2016

Rock Vs. Hard Place

Rock Vs. Hard Place

Have you ever found yourself in a situation, not really of your making, and certainly not of your choosing, that you felt incapable of getting out of?

It's one of those positions where, if I give up all my beliefs and stop defending myself against something my entire being believes is wrong, I might be able to salvage something semi positive.   If not; I simply see no way forward.

Part of me hates it.   But part of me is so stubborn and so hurt that I don't think I can let it go.

And, so it goes on.  Don't get me wrong; I'm merely a bit part player in someone else's drama.   I didn't start it and I didn't ask for it, but here we are.    

I hate hatred. I abhor sexism; racism; xenophobia; homophobia and general petty, Ill informed ignorance.   I was brought up to respect everyone and treat others the way if like to be treated   And, for the most part, I manage without a problem.

I hate confrontation, I hate feeling like I've upset anyone, and I tend to apologise for things I haven't even done.   The peace keeper in me can't help it.

But, in exceptional circumstances, I can turn.   And there's no way back for the people in the firing line.   Don't get me wrong; I don't scream and shout.    I'm not nasty and I don't pull childish tricks.   I just stop.  Completely.

Rock Vs. Hard Place


In my life, I've done it twice.   I have cut someone out of my life forever.   And I have no regrets.    It takes a LOT to make me like this and I'm just not the type of person who forgets.   I had forgiven a great deal through the years, but I can't ever get past people who expect others to change to suit what THEY want in life and give zero fucks about the person they want to conform.   

I did for so long during my marriage, but no more.    And it's sad in a way because I hate feeling like I'm causing trouble and I'm so used to backing down to keep the peace.

Eventually, though, even *I* reach my limit. And when I do, it's over...for good.

Maybe I should be like other people and just stand up for myself without apologising for it.   Or feeling bad.   I have no real reason to, and the more guilty I feel, the angrier the whole situation makes me.   And that simply makes me more entrenched.   

Am I alone in feeling crap about a situation I haven't created, but feel I'm being punished for defending myself against? 

Suz x 


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